For Delhi Metro Riders: How Old is ‘seat-worthy old’?

During my many sojourns in the Delhi Metro, I have realized one thing that no matter how much Delhiites are ridiculed, they have some degree of respect towards the elderly. One thriving example of this is the fact that men and women of all ages are more than forthcoming when it comes to vacating their seats for an elderly person. However, from a personal perspective, this trend confuses me, besides making me feel good about my city. For starters, apart from the folks who are extremely old and look weathered and worn-out, how do I always know about vacating my seat? I don’t want to offer my precious, hard-fought seat to just about anyone who has a few more grey hairs than me or someone who just looks old, someone who has a congenital condition that causes too much wrinkling. I want to offer my seat to only those who are truly elderly, and for me, this demarcation starts at the age of 60 years. Anyone below this landmark should be able to sustain their bodyweight on his/her two legs. This creates quite a predicament.

The Actresses are Revealed

This happened to me when I was naive about the ways of the Delhi Metro. I was comfortably seated in the General, non-Ladies section as the next stop approached. A fair lady, in her mid-30s, approached me. She had a body language that suggested that she couldn't take "No" for an answer. However, I did not mind seeing her in the eye and not moving from my seat. There is nothing wrong with holding on to your seat when the Delhi Metro offers a dedicated ladies' compartment and reserved seats. As a man and a paying customer, there is nothing wrong with me when I want to seek some comfort for my workplace-tortured aching legs and bum.

Metro: The Last, Save Haven for Women in the City?

This might sound shocking to some of you, but to me it makes perfect sense. The recent wave of anguish and helplessness among people and their attempts to protect the women of Delhi got me started thinking if there was a place that could be considered safe within the capital region. Come to think of it, women have been groped, molested, raped, and murdered within their homes, offices, public parks, and upmarket hang-outs. What does this suggest? Firstly, we, as a city, should stop priding ourselves on living in the capital of India. A city that has its soul bloodied with women and minor girls on an everyday basis just cannot be projected as the seat of political or financial might. On that note, I would also like to add that we, as a nation, shouldn't be too gung-ho about Democracy. We have manipulated and shamed every constitutional right and a country that cannot even respect its soldiers should keep its mouth shut and not roar about being the biggest Democracy. Coming back to this discussion, it emerged that the Delhi Metro was perhaps the only place in the city that can be officially termed "safe" for women, i.e., the front bogie reserved for female commuters. The story can take an ugly turn in the general bogies, but so far, the Metro has managed a reasonably impressive record. Thanks to the combined strength of fellow women passengers, absence of threats (men) and strict penalties on those who try to force their way in with the typical, 'Chalta Hai' attitude, the women's bogie of the Delhi Metro is at least one spot in the city where a lady can be forgiven for thinking that she is living in the capital of a behemoth, billion-people nation. 

Updated on January 29th, 2018

Just saw the brave women and men recognized for their courage at the 26th January parade in New Delhi. Just makes me wonder that if half of us started fighting back, the entire mob of idiots who assume us for ready victims, break the law jokingly, and scoff at the system that rules us, things would be a lot better. When you see a woman being harassed at work or in public transit, do you try and get involved or at least try to polarize others towards the event so that someone can intervene and save the day? There are superheroes, we have to look out for each other...this is not some emotionally-ridden thought for the day, but the sad reality that we just don't accept.

Metro Service Updates Missing: How About Express Services?

The Metro continues to serve the city without grudges or any discrimination. Its services have been diversified and amplified to ensure that the Metro riders are further comforted. However, something is missing in all that is being planned for the Delhi Metro. I have a recommendation, and I guess it does make some serious sense. There are a lot of folks like me who use the Metro for traveling daily, from the city to the NCR.

Luxury-class ticketed, higher-fare express route services make sense

Despite the great connectivity, the sheer volume of passengers and the interchange takes a serious toll on the comfort factor, often leaving the commuters gasping for breath. I want to propose an Express Line. This service could be run just three or four times a day from major city pick-up locations, straight to the NCR drop points without stopping in between. Such a service cannot be run during the high-traffic hours. It would only be feasible towards the earliest of hours when the Delhi Metro commences its services for the day, and maybe, just once or twice more during the course of the day. Once the daily NCR commuters know of such a service, they and their workplaces would ensure that it is used to their benefit. The Metro, too, can benefit from it by charging a premium amount for an exclusive service.

The Cleavage Watchers: No Dearth of Voyeuristic Enthusiasm

This won't be surprising to those who have the slightest bit of observant sensibilities. However, it could be shocking to those who remain lost in their own world, within the confines of their utterly blissful ignorance. In a way, I actually admire the latter kind, for they don't realize the absolute mediocrity and retarded mindsets that surround us. By now, you would be wondering what I am blabbering about. I realize the introduction to this discussion is a bit too long, but I just wanted to create some sort of a cerebral platform before I dive into what is a shameful fact about riding the Delhi Metro, i.e., the presence of slightly perverted, overtly enthusiastic voyeur lovers who are always on the lookout for an opportunity to glance down a lady's cleavage. Yes, this also suggests that I tend to look around too much, but I don't go around eye-balling cleavages unless they are shoved in my face, unavoidably and suddenly.

PDA of the Worst Kind: The Metro-antics

The reason I have turned "Romantics" into "Metro-antics" is simply because displaying your love, lust, or whatever makes you stick to your guy/gal in the presence of at least a thousand watchful eyes unashamedly in the Metro is just beyond my levels of comprehension. How can anybody explain a guy and gal, sandwiched between sweaty armpits and massive bellies, stopping just short of pecking each other? This is probably the worst kind of PDA I have ever come across. This is not about me being irritated by something bearable to others. This is not being jealous about not having a girlfriend at the moment. It is about basic manners, hygiene, and reacting to a few fools that can be located in each of the Metro cubicles. They were always around, usually limited to the few, empty corners of the Metro platforms, often taking refuge along the unused sections of the stairs. This is something that still goes around and is digestible. It doesn't make you sick if a couple is slightly cuddled up a few meters away from you, but having to bear the same sight within the confines of the usual, overcrowded Metro cubicle just makes me nauseous. Is it desperation or just the urge to announce to the world that yes! Do we have a date that makes people do such things?

Dem Lost Souls

Being an avid Metro user and a keen observer, I couldn't help notice people who choose to remain clueless and wander the Delhi Metro platforms as if they are sightseeing. For the uninitiated, I am not talking about people using the Delhi Metro for the first time or those who are genuinely dumb. I am talking about folks who use the Delhi Metro rather often and actually know the routes. However, they have this penchant to ask for directions, reconfirm the routes, and re-reconfirm what they already know. These Lost Souls can be found at most Delhi Metro stations, vaguely floating from one co-passenger to another, nodding their head after hearing an answer they already know. Please understand that the Delhi Metro platform offers immediately-searchable and easy-to-understand information. So what drives people to repeatedly confirm their position on a Delhi Metro platform despite being fully aware that they are in the right place and won't be kidnapped by aliens? I guess it is just a case of being spooked out by the long winding tunnels of the Delhi Metro, which they fear might suck them into oblivion, or an overworked sense of imagination that makes them feel that the Metro tracks are ghost-controlled and tend to change every day, after midnight!

Metro Physics, Chapter 1: “Human Pendulums”

Balancing Precariously

I said it before, and I will say it again, I am on my way to Nobel Prize greatness as I slowly unravel the Physics that drives the Delhi Metro. Today, I present to you a phenomenon that not even the most regular Delhi Metro riders must have noticed or bothered to think about. I call this the “Human Pendulum” or “Metro Oscillations”. This spectacle is witnessed only during the peak hours, i.e., when the Delhi Metro platforms are literally spilling over with people. Turn your eyes towards the exit points, where humble mortals like us are greeted with long, never-ending queues. Here, everyone waits patiently for the person in front of them to use the Delhi Metro card or that plasticky coin thingy. Now observe closely, you will find that during times of very long queues, the people have little space for moving ahead. Their gut instinct tells them to keep moving ahead, in whatever little space that precedes them.

She Ain’t No Blonde or Princess, She’s Just Rajouri!

This is my first submission that will focus on the Metro typecasts I have come across. I have a slightly cynical outlook, and thus, I am going to begin with a typical kind of Delhi Metro passenger that needs a serious reality check—I call “it” the “Rajouri Types,” and this is particularly applicable to the women who board the metro from the Rajouri Garden Metro Station and the nearby areas. You must be wondering what could be so typical about such women. Well, there is nothing wrong with them except for the fact that they are highly prone to thinking that they belong to an elite class that should be treated superiorly within the Metro. Recognizing this pseudo-royal segment within the Metro is not difficult. You don’t need to have the acumen of a Sherlock or possess an obsessive tendency to observe to identify them. The Rajouri type is instantly recognizable. For starters, she looks like a walking advertisement for the latest cosmetic products. The hair is usually dyed to a certain shade of blonde and tied loosely to ensure the highlights get the highlight they deserve. From what adorns the ears to the fingers, everything about her is blingy—it seems that the rule here is the bigger and shinier, the better. Most likely, she would be carrying the latest phone and holding it in a manner that announces it to the entire world. But look closely, and chances are that the phone might not be the original stuff. It is very likely to be a well-concealed imitation, bought from locales like the Ghaffar. The overall aura is of someone who is heads and shoulders above the other, poor North West Delhi inhabitants. There is a bit of NRI-borrowed slang and tone borrowed when speaking, and the perfume reeks of an old habit of spraying so much that everyone in a near 100-meter radius can smell the floral stuff. You can count on carrying a high-street shopping bag that reinforces the ability to spend big, even if the bag contains nothing but a borrowed attitude. The lipstick shades are usually loud - lots of darker hues of reds, maroon, and purple. If it happens to be the wedding season or a period around the festivals, expect the body art in brown to scream for attention even if the invitations are yet to come in. 

Decoding the Phenomenon: Metro Sleep

I guess this discovery should get me nominated into the league of folks who have contributed significantly to deciphering human behavior, or more precisely, the human sleep patterns. At a time when most leading magazines have run out of ideas and cannot write anything new about sleep, sleeping habits, sleeping problems, etc. I have unearthed a new kind of sleep! Yes, this might surprise you, but keeping my observant senses in the switch-on mode has finally yielded results. I have titled my discovery as the “Metro Sleep”. This kind of sleep is seen among only those who have the fortune (or misfortune) of riding the Delhi Metro. The “Metro Sleep” presents some very different features when compared to our understanding of what comprises human sleep. For starters, it can be easily manipulated. For instance, as soon as Metro riders see an aged fellow or a lady approaching them or having just boarded the Metro, their eyes start getting heavy. Whether this happens due to the realization that they are too cowardly to look into the eyes of people to whom offering their seat would seem like the right thing to do, is something that would need a lot more scientific (and moralistic) proof. Secondly, the Metro Sleep is gender-specific. It is hardly ever seen among the ladies. It has a bigger prevalence within the age group of 15 – 40, among guys. This is quite understandable since men are most likely to be robbed of their seats, considering that the Metro policy-makers forgot about them when distributing the entire seating capacity among the disabled, abled women, older women, pregnant women, unbalanced women, egoistic women, hyperactive women, cleavage-flaunting women, and basically, women of all types. Lastly, “Metro Sleep” has a self-optimization system that works with amazing precision. This means that as soon as the victim of this syndrome sees that his potential seat-snatcher is now lost in the Metro crowd or isn’t close enough to pose a threat to his seat-occupancy, the sleepiness evaporates almost instantly. It is unarguably the smartest form of all human sleep types that have been discovered until today. It works in absolute coherence with its victim’s self-interests, doesn’t induce much lethargy, and seems akin to hanging your head in shame, albeit with your eyes shut!

The ‘Monsoon Warrior’: If You Use It, Don’t Abuse It

Few nations in the world can boast of a weather phenomenon so influential that it can topple governments and impact nearly every aspect of human life by its erratic ways—I am talking about the Monsoons in India. The Monsoons are so mighty that they can drown the entire Mumbai metropolis within a few hours or decide how much we would need to spend on our daily bread throughout the year. However, there is one warrior among us, made of steel and absolute grit, who doesn’t succumb to the Moody Monsoons. This is the Delhi Metro. Today was a pleasant day when the Monsoons, so far conspicuous by their absence, arrived and threw the capital city out of its comfort zone. To make matters worse, the Northern Grid had tripped, and the Metro was left reeling with no power! However, to the dismay of those who laugh at the commoners like us who travel day and night in the overwhelmingly crowded tube train, the Metro didn’t accept defeat. Within a few hours, wherein some idiots had started verbally abusing it, cursing it for its lapses, the Metro was back to its usual benchmark of performance. I must say that if the Metro could hear what some people say about it, rather b***h about it, every time there is the smallest of snags, it would seriously reconsider serving the people of the city. There are some hard realities that the Metro-bashers seem to forget—before it arrived, the lives of those who travel daily across the city were at the mercy of killer buses and the Goondaraj of auto-wallahs. Now that we have at least one dependable and honest mass transit medium, we'd better be thankful for it, use it sensibly, and accept that, like everything else in life, the Metro isn’t perfect, but it works to our advantage and delivers without fail.

Don’t Hang on for Your Life—Just Spread it like an Orangutan

You must be thinking I am asking you to do some yoga posture that requires you to really stretch yourself. Naah!! You couldn’t be more wrong. This is more of a handy tip to make yourself more comfortable when aboard the Delhi Metro. I have noticed that most Metro commuters really struggle to balance themselves. The smallest of jerks seems to throw them off their balance. I, too faced something similar during my early days in the Delhi Metro. Every time I didn’t have a firm grip on the support rods or the hanger-like danglers, I would fall upon a fellow passenger who would either frown with utter disgust or just smile, i.e., in the case of men. The few instances wherein I brushed against a lady, the expressions ranged from an “UFF” that would have done the Princess of Arabia proud to a lethal stare that suggested I had some seriously ulterior motives. At one point, I was seriously contemplating some exercises that could help improve body balance to get a better stance during the Metro traveling hours.

Source: https://allabout-japan.com/en/article/2249/

Moving ahead, if you are serious about balancing yourself on the Metro, even without holding on to something, just spread your legs to the maximum. I realize this phrase has a somewhat twisted meaning for women, so I am going to limit myself to guys only. I have a biggish frame, and I am more than 6” tall. To get my balance right, I spread my legs beyond my shoulder width. The further you can spread, the more immune you make yourself against being thrown ahead or backwards, every time the Metro jerks. I really don’t understand the Physics behind my tip, but it does seem to work rather well.

Even if you find the Metro crowded, just ensure you slip your foot between that of others, twisting and turning it like a snake, unless you feel that stretching any further could compromise the health of your groin or your manhood. It is not just Delhi, and it isn't just me who faces the issue. Ask daily commuters in Japan, being served by an astronomically better public tube system, and you will realize how finding space in the most crowded trains is actually an acquired art - it does not come easy. You need to practice the trade. There are some very handy tips shared by Andrew Griffiths in this 2015 blog in the hyperlink that preceded this sentence - click and read about them if you are going to be Metro-traveling regularly.

There is a bit of Physics and Body Science involved here, and people with rock climbing credentials might be more likely to get a better grip than you, and also fall over less often. From the one-finger hold to the shoulder-press gate phase, from tip-toeing like the late MJ to letting yourself be taken along in the river of humanity, there are so many tricks to travel better in crowded trains that you cannot read about and imbibe - you have to pay the dues, suffer, and get better at this!