I am looking for a job profile titled Mixologist. Your expectations should be:
- can mix all forms known to man - air, water, fire, earth, pornographically permeated ideas
- suffers from severe mixing tendencies that were once evaluated as the result of God-mixed, genetically-conjured split personalities
- has no shame in admitting that most mixing experiments lead to severe accidents
- Someone who cannot be trusted with a kitchen that is reasonably stocked
- expects you to be ready party to anything and everything that is mixed and whipped beyond recognition
- seems to look at everyday food choices as a challenge and wants to defeat them
- has the distinction of not suffering from acidity despite multiple, same-day food experiments
- was once listed as a wanted offender for challenging the stability of our food chain
- has won accolades for mixing three types of shaving foams and four types of deodorants
- suffers from borderline disassociation syndrome when mixing possibilities dry up
- cannot be trusted with small kids as his creations might make the kids choke or allergy-up
- envies mixer-grinding machines that seem to mix better than him [seem...they actually don't]
- is crazy about textures in food